How The "Bay's" Are Ruining Culture

They may not be related, hell they may not even really be called it, but there is no denying that people associated with the name “Bay” are screwing up everything we know and love.

First up, Michael. Does anyone actually write your movies anymore? Or do you just set fire to a forest, blow up some cars in it and have very bad actors gawping at them. Film the whole thing over 3 head-splitting hours and gross a billion dollars at the box-office. “Here you go, Michael Bay, here is our entire year’s budget. Go and blow up another load of stuff from slightly different angles in the forest, and come back to us when you’re done for more money. “ The studio heads say. “But sir, that money was going to go towards promoting Mike Leigh’s amazing new film.” “Sorry kid, if it doesn’t involved a forest being set on fire, then we no longer give a shit.” That was the film industry of the 21st century right there, in a poorly written hypothetical conversation. Michael Bay, and others of his ilk, are to blame for the dearth. Bay gone!

Is there any musician as bland as James Bay? I think there is, but the dullness of the music was so severe that everyone who has listened to it is now in a coma. James Bay is so boring the record label made him grow his hair long and wear an interesting hat, so to make him at least appear quirky. It’s a façade. A ruse. He’s just another posh kid with a nice voice packaged as the ‘leader of the new generation’. I even read an article about him being touted to headline Glastonbury in the future. If that happens, Noel Gallagher’s head will explode, as will mine. We’ve lost the likes of Bowie, Prince and Lou Reed this year, and this is who is supposed to replace them? I can scarcely Baylieve it!

The Pirate Bay has to take a portion of the blame, here. Though I’m not totally adverse to what they stand for, there is no denying that labels, publishers and studios are being much less risk adverse due to the threat of piracy.

Kevin Baycon, stop doing adverts for EE and go back to stealing the show. Seriously, dude, Tremors, Mystic River, Footloose, The Woodsman, X-Men; there is no part you can’t play. Stop fannying around saying British things in an American accent, like it’s the funniest thing in the world, just so you can sell us phones.

Bae! I mean. . . What’s wrong with sweetie, lover or whatever? Actually, all pet-names are a bit shit if I think about it. At least bae is relatively clever.

The City by the Bay. . . Yeah, I went there. Specifically, all the social media companies based in Silicon Valley. Stop trying to ram ‘targeted’ adverts for shit films, music and books we will clearly hate down our throats, and maybe concentrate on stopping trolls making teenagers kill themselves. Sound good, yeah?

Bayvid Cameron (for fucks sake) and the current government; stop cutting so much of the arts budget. It’s been repeated to death, but when asked why he wouldn’t cut the arts budget during WWII to help fund the war effort, Churchill famously responded with “Then what are we fighting for?” Just because you don’t really know what culture is outside the odd night at the opera for a photo op, doesn’t mean the rest of us can do without it.

Bayn – You were a shit baddy and probably Tom Hardy’s worst performance.

Kurt Cobayn – Stop being dead. We need your angst more than ever.

Baydon Powell – Your legacy is in tact, though maybe your organistation needs to stop professing loyalty to God and The Queen. It’s a little unsettling in to force children to do this in the 21st century. 

Former NXT Women’s Champion Bayley – Keep it up. You’re awesome.

The Bay City Rollers – Stay retired.

Bay Leaves – Get out of my cuisine forever. I don’t know what you’re for.

I mean, I could go on. The only problem with all these Bay’s is that WE BLOODY LOVE THEM, APPARENTLY. We keep going to Michael Bay films, keep buying James Bay records, keep downloading from The Pirate Bay, EE are still selling phones by the boatload, I even occasionally call my fiancé bae, and I’m not even sure it’s ironic anymore. We keep using social media, keep voting for the Tories, still talk about Tom Hardy’s stupid accent, still lament Cobain as a tortured genius, and I assume Scouts still exist. Bay leaves will still be put in food for no reason except to poison us, and there will always be a select group of people who want to see The Bay City Rollers.

I guess we’re the problem, not the Bay’s. Sorry guys.

 

Jonathan is a writer from London. For more of his work, check out http://jonathanhatch.co.uk/

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